Sleeping with your eyes open

How to stay awake

It is 2006 and I’m starting an adventure with three fellow friends and students in the education department at my college. We are embarking on a quarter-long student teaching experience in Switzerland. I know, a pretty cool deal right? I’m on a train, trying to keep my eyes open, because we had an extremely long trip over, complete with a missed flight and overnight stay in New Jersey before being redirected to Geneva instead of Zurich. Now the four of us are taking turns staying awake so we don’t miss our stop in our destination city, Bern, the German capital of Switzerland.

Staying awake when you’re very tired is difficult. Just ask Moose who is very tired always and does not play along with any shenanigans about staying awake when he doesn’t have to. Sometimes, though, he sleeps with his eyes open. It’s creepy but I know he’s sleeping, even though he gives the illusion of being awake.

Today, I was putting L down for a nap, and she was fighting sleep (a recurring theme in our house). She had her eyes open but was laying down peacefully.

I.will.not.miss.anything.

This seems to be her battle cry and she probably gets it from her mama.

Except there comes a point when sleep is absolutely necessary. We are not made to do it all or stay up and figure it all out or play 24/7.

I wonder if I was sleeping with my eyes open during that train ride. I did remember seeing the countryside flash by me, and started to get a picture of this beautiful land I had fallen into that had the most magnificent views and mountains that definitely made you feel small.

I didn’t realize back then just how fortunate I was to be able to go somewhere so beautiful for many months under the guise of schooling. We got to travel, eat amazing Italian food, see the alps, enjoy almost daily train rides, explore lakes and castles, listen to cow bells at night, visit the bears that lived in the center of Bern. Fun fact: Bern means bear, derived from the German word baren, or ber. There are a few different translations I found for Bern, one meaning that Bern means “brave as a bear,” or “brave and strong. Since my Swiss days, I have liked the name Bern and liked bears.

If I could switch places with someone, I would switch places with myself back then and remind my senses of everything I saw back then. In this imaginary scenario, I’d bring my husband with me to Bern’s Rosengarten, a delightful park filled with countless roses and other flowers.

Bern always reminded me of a medieval fairy tale. I remember when we were getting ready to leave Switzerland, I turned around one last time, looking at the horizon filled with mountains and trying to take a snapshot that could last me until I came back again.

You never know when you’re going to want to stay awake to remember something. Even though sleep is important. Even though I highly recommend it, even though I’m pretty bad at it.

Sometimes with this blog, as in life, I start out thinking this idea or this road is going to lead me here, and before I know it, I’m somewhere totally different than where I started. There’s a reason I began this blog with the title “Down the Rabbit Hole.”

Life is amusing, at least for some of us who notice the strangeness of it all, the contradictions and the inability to capture everything we want to with a word, or a picture, or a memory. But we can try, right?

The memory of our trip’s beginning stays with me, as does its ending. Saying hello to the mountains by staying awake (or sleeping with my eyes open) and saying goodbye by seeing the view one last time both involve paying attention.

Once again, the edges of this post are a little ambiguous. Thank you for riding the wave with me.

I guess what I’m wondering about is how we pay attention to things that matter, and remove the clutter to things that don’t.

As I write this, L is trying again to fall asleep and I notice that she pays attention to everything. She hears the door creak when I leave the room, I’m sure she hears my breathing or coughing. She just pays attention. Nothing gets past her.

Being the day dreamer I am, I’m not always great at paying attention to the outside world. I’ve gotten better over the years, I believe, and now I know I can at least stop and smell some of the (Swiss?) roses.

I want to share some of the beauty we see on our way to Phoenix each week now, when we check on Butternut and see if we get to go for another week before the doctors decide to deliver. By the way, Butternut is super strong and stubborn (like sister) and so far has been rocking it. Prayers appreciated for the next couple weeks as we just want them to stay safe inside me and have a smooth delivery. Thankful to God for making it this far.

Talk about fields of gold. Look at all the yellow! A glimpse of happy on the highway amidst entering the unknowns of each week. Kudos to my husband for always getting my attention to wake up and look at the beautiful flowers.

I don’t know what I’m feeling at this point. We’re not at the beginning of the pregnancy (my belly tells me so), and the doctors say it’s not quite the end yet. I am grateful. And it still feels messy in the middle, with some fears, and kick counts, and more ultrasounds (we’ve almost made it through all 12 ultrasound techs!), and waiting. But that’s okay. It’s also a time of eating on the patio, watching little girl get better at walking and me TRYING to rest. The middle is often what gets overlooked, but if you pay attention, that’s where you can find the yellow flowers.

Much love to dear loyal readers. And many flowery days to you all. And thank you for loving us well and cheering on sweet Butternut.